DarkSpear

I’m Old! And Broke! And Fat! Happy Birthday Yay!

So today, I turned 25. Dammit, I’m old.

I don’t know. I used to look forward to my birthday because birthdays bring with them gifts, parties, and a generally happy atmosphere. Now I just dread them, mainly because it’s a reminder that I’ve wasted another year passed by with me doing nothing but writing profane jokes in what the kids call a “blog” (seriously, what the hell is this thinggummy you kids call blogs? Is it an online diary or something? Coz that’s so gay).

So to start off my birthday, the construction workers in our street greeted me by way of this awesome dialogue repeated ad nauseam, a.k.a. conspiracy flashback:

Guy: PUTANG INA NAMAN! MAGSAING KA NA! MAGTATRABAHO PA AKO!
Wife: LECHE KA! KUNG DI MO INUBUS ANG PERA NATIN SA GIN KAGABI MAY ISASAING AKO!
Son: Ang iingay nyo! Di ako makapag konsentreyt sa laru ko! Binabato ko lahat ng dumadaan dito eh! Tapos mamaya sisinghot pa ako ng rugby habang kumakanta ng Salbakuta.
Guy: Ang galing mo anak! Keep it up, tatanda ka na katulad ko!
Son: Oo naman tay, idol kita eh! Hay payb!

I seriously don’t know of a better way to start off a birthday. A knifefight maybe? With the end result of one of the construction worker’s guts on the street just in front of our house? That would be perfect, but you have to remember: they took out the streets in our village and turned them into muddy mush!

Anyway, to remind me of my impending mortality (and alleged ambiguous sexuality. Those assholes), the monkeys over at The Man Blog Forum gave me these gifts:

Pau first figured out it was my birthday. Glad that there was somebody catching up with his age, he gave me this:

A Google image search result for the keywords “Ade gay”. Go figure.

Read the rest of this entry »

The Noisy Man’s Yearend Recap: Top Posts for 2007

Happy New Year everyone! 2007 has come and gone, and has assraped us all so awesomely.

Google Image Search result for “New Year”. Let the WTFs roll.

This year has like been the worst year of my life for reasons I can’t blog about lest this turns into a mushy emofest like LiveJournal. So instead I’ll distract you from badgering me about the details of my sucky year and present you with the obligatory best of 2007 post. I did this last year, and this is one of the few times where I actually do a meme of sorts, and for my new readers, this is a chance to sift through the best of my overly convoluted archives.

So now that I’ve got that lame intro out of the way, here’s the best of 2007. Read on:

• On Fitting Rooms - I know, this might probably suck because I wrote this like three days ago and I’m inclined to believe this is one of my best articles, even though I got a paltry comment count on that bitch. But still, this is the closest I got to getting laid in the longest time. Shut up.
• Taxi Ride - A recollection of the worst taxi ride in history.
• One Fine Day At Work - It took me a week to write this. Seriously. However, this comment (from Noelle) made the hard work all worth it: “This made me scratch my head. Maybe I should smoke some weed, THEN read the article.” Kinda sums up the rest of my blog.
• An Open Letter to Myself. From Myself. - This is me hitting rock bottom, getting drunk, and being found a day later singing a Village People song along Ortigas Avenue. And no, Donya Quixote, I do not have photographic evidence, sry.
• Rock Star Existentialism - This shows how deep and philosophical my bandmates are. Seriously. I mean, Porn, Meds and Rock n’ Roll? Those guys are like the new Beatles and nobody even notices us. Assholes.
• Buying Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows - Harry Potter 7 was the biggest book event ever for 2007. What kind of blogger am I if I didn’t do my share in posting the spoilers on the internet to make little kids and fanboys cry?
• BREAKING NEWS: The Man Blog Declares Coup D’état! OMG! - The Trillanes brouhaha at the Manila Pen was one of the biggest news stories of 2007. Just like any responsible blogger, I just had to make fun of it.
• The entire Know your Jologs series - This has been like the biggest thing on my blog ever. I had a handful of flamers (three), death threats (one), marriage proposals (from some dude named “Carlito”), and I’ve been chased by college girls (I keed not). And I’m still living in fear of the lawsuits. Oh wait, they can’t afford it.
• Troubleshooting Your Girl: Dieting - Women have a natural tendency to be thin. And no matter how much they stay in the kitchen, they can never grow fat, especially the hot ones. Yet they perpetually starve themselves to death because they think they’re fat. And in this article, I expose the truth about diets.
• Gay Best Friend. Only Straight. - This is me being emo and me being totally whiny about girls telling me the sordid details of their sex lives while I don’t get any. Well, thinking about it, because I know much about their sex lives I’m like having sex by proxy with five women on a regular basis. Awesome as it sounds, it actually does suck, mind you. You should try it sometime.
• An Open Letter to the Faggort Who Refused to Stop Rubbing My Bird on the MRT - Probably my second most controversial post for the year 2007, next to Know Your Jologs. You know why? I got hate from certain gays because I used the word “faggort”. Those fags. Also, there was this douche who insisted I was gay for not letting that fag feel me up. I know, WTF right?
• Rejected Filipino Dubs: Harry Potter - Yeah, I totally forgot this one. Thanks to Jeff, I was able to put this into the list, albeit belatedly. And this is another article teeming with faggotry. As if Harry Potter wasn’t faggoty enough, I just had to make him do swardspeak. So much for Noisy Noisy Man.

So yeah, that’s pretty much it. What about you guys? What are your favorite entries from your blog?

Ade Cast, Anyone?

As far as I could remember, I’ve always hated podcasts. When it first came out, I was like “What? Me, download mp3s of some guy rambling about stuff? Boor-ing.” Besides, I’ve got the shortest attention span on the blogosphere, so I usually space out when listening to Podcasts. Also, who the hell records his voice on his computer, uploads it on the internet, and makes the entire world listen to his horribly recorded audio file?

A bunch of self-centered geeks, that’s who. That’s why I’m perfect for it.

A typical AdeCast recording session

Anyway, I’ve got some plans for it already. I’m calling it the AdeCast, and I’ve got some friends (Nick, Noelle, Gen) who agreed to help out. Under threat of pain of course. How else could I get them to agree? Read the rest of this entry »

Hi, I’m Ade and I made out with Maria Ozawa

Fig. 1: Maria Ozawa

Okay, not really.

In case you have been living under a rock for the past two years, Maria Ozawa is this wonderfully beautiful Japanese actress who starred in wholesome family-friendly films such as “Obscene Nymphomaniac 5″, “Let’s Do It At School”, and “Popular Fashion Model Maria Ozawa Nakadashi Raped for 20 Consecutive Times!”

Wholesome stuff indeed. In fact, when I get married and have a family, I’m gonna show that shit to the kids. Twice! Read the rest of this entry »

 

Buying Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

Just so you know, I am such a big Harry Potter nerd; in fact, I once considered having somebody carve a lightning-shaped wound on my “magic wand” with a razor, so I’d get the characteristically-shaped scar when it heals. I still can’t understand why she wouldn’t agree to that.

Also, I actually stayed offline the night before just to make sure I don’t get to read spoilers like Bellatrix kills Dobby on the interwebs, because I don’t like to have my reading experience ruined.

So I walked into Powerbooks Megamall last July 21, with the intent to purchase a copy of the much-awaited Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows. The lady at the door greeted me a good morning.

“Lord Voldemort does not wish to defile his pureblood self by mingling with filthy Muggles,” I replied.

She shot me a dirty look. Shoot dirty looks on your future ruler, eh?

I decided to let it go, in fact, I am not gonna waste an Avada Kedavra on her, the last thing I need is to have a flash of green light and a dead saleslady to have these nerds in Powerbooks panic all around and cause a stampede or something. I mean, nerd stampede. Ewww. So I keep my wand safely in my pocket protector and move on.

I couldn’t keep my excitement inside. I just had to tell somebody, anybody, how I think this book is gonna get. I strike a conversation with the nice lady in front of me, who is wearing Griffyndor robes and seems to be fidgeting every five minutes. Read the rest of this entry »

Nothing on the internet is private, you know

So I was checking out my blog's statistics and I saw this search string:

Okaaaaaay. Now I wonder what prompted this poor guy to Google that particular query.

Nice to know, anonymous internet surfer. Nice to know.

Can’t Blog? Copy Somebody’s Work Yay! Yeah Whatev. You Suck.

If you have noticed, I fail at updating this blog regularly mainly because coming up with stuff like this is hard. There’s only so much insult and humiliation I can put myself through without reducing myself to a sobbing ball of shivers. You’d usually catch me doing the fetal position in one corner and contemplating how much my life sucks and how I can further reduce my dignity and readers’ respect of me by writing how much misfortune I put myself in. Then I write about that particluar unfortunate event. It usually takes me a couple of days because iTunes is set to play “Sinabawang Gulay” on a loop and I couldn’t help but sing and dance along to it.

Hard work, I tell you.

Fig 1: How Hard Blogging Is

So imagine if you log on to the net and one day and you find out that somebody has copied your work, word by word, image by image, and passes it off as his own. Read the rest of this entry »

Zombie Apocalypse LOL!

Welcome to the Year 2065, and it is the end of humanity as we know it. Because this week, Apple just released the third generation of their apocalyptic virus, iUnDead, turning almost everyone into zombies! All except you, me and a bunch of idiots who will die eventually because they were stupid enough to actually run in the direction of them flesh-eating bunny zombies, and lovingly offer their butts for dinner. While screaming their heads off in fear! OMG!

Just like any other zombie apocalypse, we have some dude named George Romero running around somewhere, trying to make sure everyone dies. Also, if you have a Mexican, a token black guy, or a big brawny guy who everyone runs to for protection in your group, they will definitely die. Also Paris Hilton because she’s hot. But she’s in jail right now so we don’t know how to fit her in.

Now let me tour you around this lovely wasteland and give you some tips on how to not die (or at least not get molested) in this apocalyptic future:

 

This is a zombie. He will eat you.

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Taste Asia

More pics here

Ok, so I’ve been taking this blog thing too seriously and I already spend 90% of my time in front of the PC getting fat and all. But to prove to the world that I have a semblance of a social life, I went to the Taste Asia blogger’s meetup at Mall of Asia and planned to talk to people, meet new friends, and probably scare some people away, while I assure them that I’m not actually rubbing my crotch, I’m just doing a Somalian shamanistic ritualistic greeting. You know, for good luck.

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Ade Versus The Buffet Table

I hate eat-all-you-cans, mainly because the prospect of having bottomless eats can be daunting for my plans to lose weight. Especially if I’m on the losing end of the weight-loss war and would like to win a small battle every now and then. So I try to avoid occasions that entail eating lots, making up excuses about saving an obscure country in Africa from the machinations of a tyrant or something like that. Whatever.

But it was my grandfather’s birthday last Sunday, and despite my protestations, I had to show up and wage another battle of wills against the buffet table.

So after making niceties with my relatives, I grab a plate and head off to the buffet table. The buffet table stares at me menacingly, and taunts me with cries of “You will never be able to resist my charms, you weak human glutton!”
Read the rest of this entry »